I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
