I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
