Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
