well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
