a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
