we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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