i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
