Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
