I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
