She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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