it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
