So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
