Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
