He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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