i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
