Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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