I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
