John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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