I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
