You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
