Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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