I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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