God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
