Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
