I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
