My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
