Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.