my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.