I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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