I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
