The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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