Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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