Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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