nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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