Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so that wasnt chicken after all
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
