i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
