Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The air taste purple.
Randomize
