if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
