so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
