Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
