got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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