my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
