one two three fourrrrnication!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
