You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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