In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
