All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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