i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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