the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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