I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
