i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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