im six kinds of drunk right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
