if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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