Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
