I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
