you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
