She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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