the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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