Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
