I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
