I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
