Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
