if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
